My nipple is on Facebook.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
