i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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