I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
