we have pet lesbian snakes
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
