my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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