She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
