I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
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What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he laminated a picture of his dick.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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