C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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