When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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