The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
