I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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