You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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