I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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