So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
