I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Randomize
