it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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