he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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