We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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