oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
