3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
