vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
