At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
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