and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
