We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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