I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
