the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
