You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
