I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
