My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
