I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize