I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
