We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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