the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
