Having a random hookup so left but love u
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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