Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
