No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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