It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
