she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
