Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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