Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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