Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
