so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
