I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
