If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
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