I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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