She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
