Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
