guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
ugly people sure do ruin things
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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