I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
