My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
