Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
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The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
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How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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