Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
