I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
