HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
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