capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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