Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
