so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Drunk is not a location!
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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