I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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