What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
