i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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