She just used a chaser for red wine.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
