were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
