using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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